I'm trying to live a life that's more positive. The past 19 months have been really stressful.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Obviously a miscarriage is not an easy experience for anyone, but I was not prepared for how emotionally drained I would become. I started to resent pregnant women that I would see on the street for having what I could not. As the months went by after my loss I would become more sad and withdrawn leading up to my EDD (estimated due date). Each event between the loss and the EDD was excruciating.
Once you get your BFP you immediately look at the calendar to see what's happening between now and the birth of your baby. As you flip the pages you will see certain dates and you will envision yourself at that time in your pregnancy. Okay, by my cousin's wedding in July I'll be 5 months along. I'll be able to buy a cute dress to really show off my bump! Or, won't it be fun to see my belly fill out my football jersey this year as we attend the home games? And worse: I'm sure that for Xmas both sets of grandparents will want to be here to see the baby's first Xmas. Won't that be fun?
Unless you've been through a loss yourself you simply won't understand how, in the blink of an eye, I've suddenly lost interest in these events. You see, now they've become a bitter reminder of what I've lost.
How can going to a football game remind you of your miscarriage? Get over it. Truthfully, no one actually said that, but I'm sure that some of you are thinking it right now. It's hard to explain, but it does. In my mind I had already created wonderful memories with my baby, and now that will never, ever happen.
So why not move on and have another baby? In theory it's a great idea, in reality I was not prepared to fail at this as well. When we conceived our angel, we weren't technically trying. Sure, we weren't using any protection, but we weren't carefully timing our intercourse, charting my menstrual cycle, using special sperm-friendly lubricant, or using an Ovulation Predictor Kit. And now that we are doing all of the above (plus more) why aren't I pregnant yet?
Between the loss and the subsequent infertility I am, what I believe the professionals term, a nutcase. Sex is no longer for fun, and every family event is torturous (made worse by the arrival of 2 new babies). I didn't even mention the economy and the pressures of my job!
I wanted to write about living a simpler life, instead I think I'll wait for my next post. Obviously I think it's important for everyone to understand why my stress exists.