Before Hubby and I were married we discussed having children. We were both certain that neither of us wanted kids. Yup 100% sure. In fact we were married for nearly 10 years before I started to change my mind. Maybe it was being surrounded by pregnant friends, or maybe it truly was the tick-tock of my biological clock, either way, I was determined. I even had a name picked out!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I told Hubby that after being on birth control since I was 19 that I was done. It can't possibly be healthy to have all those hormones added to my system for so long. So I said that the responsibility of birth control was now his.
It was like that for nearly 18 months. I wasn't charting or anything like that - in fact looking back - I was blissfully ignorant of all things TTC! But I was getting impatient. I had always tracked my cycles and kind of guessed when I was ovulating. So in February 2008 over Hubby's birthday weekend, I made sure that we had sex a few times.
2 weeks later my period was late. It had been a couple of days late before so I wasn't thinking anything about it. I finally went and bought a home pregnancy test and lo and behold there was a second line! I was pregnant. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was nearly 35 and had never been pregnant before. Hubby was surprised and happy too.
The next 5 weeks we read books on pregnancy and planned out ways to tell our families. I joined the online community (which has become my online family), and if you're TTC, expecting, or a mom I urge you to go to: Just Mommies. Mother's Day was right after our 12 week ultrasound and we had planned to send copies to our moms.
But I was never sick or nauseous and this worried me. My mom was horribly sick for both her pregnancies and I had assumed that I would be the same. At my 8 week appointment I told my doctor my fears. I said that I no longer had any symptoms and that I didn't feel pregnant. She suggested that maybe I was one of the lucky ones, but she did order a couple of blood tests for me. This was on Friday.
On Sunday I had some brown spotting. I had assumed that I had overdone it that day and tried to take it easy. But I was still spotting on Monday. On Tuesday I called the doctor's office. The nurse said that brown spotting is okay and not to worry. On Wednesday night I had bad back pains. On Thursday I woke up to red blood, I wasn't spotting anymore. We went to the ER where they confirmed that our baby had died somewhere around 6 1/2 weeks. They scheduled me an appointment the following day at the Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic and gave me 6.
On April 11, 2008, only an hour before my appointment, I had my miscarriage at home. Let me tell you it's nothing like you see in the movies or on t.v. I've never felt such pain - it was horrible and the pain medication did nothing to help. I finally called Hubby and said "come home NOW!" He did, he saw me and wanted to rush me to the ER again. I said no, we have our appt soon. The nurse at the clinic confirmed that the worst was over and ordered an ultrasound to make sure everything had passed.
The next week I walked around in a daze. I barely remember anything. My boss gave me the week off (thank goodness). I went to the mall to walk around for some exercise and I very nearly bought a puppy - I wasn't thinking straight!
I racked my brains trying to figure out what I had done to cause the loss. Was it the new face cream that I had tried? Was it the 1 drink that I had before I knew that I was pregnant? Was it because I had cleaned the cat litter box? Maybe it was the green tea that I drank each night... I almost wished that I had caused it so at least I could prevent another one.
My doctor gave me the go ahead to start TTC after my period showed. Which was only 23 days later. We did start, this time charting, using OPKs, and anything else that we thought would help.
We have been actively TTC for 19 cycles now. The grief from our loss has faded, though I'll never forget the pain (both physical and mental). I thought that we would conceive again right away since we were actively TTC now. Wrong! I've learned that infertility is a whole new type of pain.
Before the sight of a pregnant woman would remind me of my loss, now it's a reminder of what I can't have.
However, the support that I found in others after my loss was amazing. I sought out one co-worker who I knew had had 3 losses for her support, 2 others approached me to tell me about their losses. My online friends have been there to listen to me whine and to support me when I'm feeling down. There are still days when I am low - our loss date (April 11) and the baby's due date (November 8), but we're healing.
I believe that our loss and subsequent infertility will make us better parents in the end. We will have a greater appreciation for our child(ren). When we look at them we will remember what we had endured for them.