Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Worst Advice

I was reading Kate's post about relaxing and it definitely got me to thinking about the advice that I've received from well meaning friends about TTC. I do need to say that we have not announced to the world that we are TTC or that we are infertile, and only a select few know about our miscarriage. Even so, I'm not immune to bad advice.

One close friend of mine (who lucky for her is uber-fertile) told me to "just have lots of sex". Like we haven't already tried that. I think my actual response was "Oh, you mean we have to have sex to get pregnant? Why did no one tell us that?" Imagine that in a really sarcastic tone of voice and it will be like you were there.

I haven't talked to a lot of people about our infertility. I have met many other women online and they have been more open about their struggles in real life. This is some of the worst advice and comments that they have heard:
  • at least you and DH get to spend more time with just you two. A baby takes up so much time.
  • God will bring you a baby when you are ready for it
  • at least you don't have to worry about an "oops"
  • you're so lucky you can spend money on X, once you have a baby you won't be able to afford that
  • Shouldn't you just pray about it harder? I really think if you just prayed and really believed, God will answer
  • You need to adopt and then you'll get pregnant!
  • If something is wrong and you need medical assistance, maybe you aren't healthy enough to have a baby
And that is just a snippet of the types of comments that us Infertiles have to endure.

I don't know if I could go through this process without the support of my new friends that I have made online. My IF sisters. You are what keeps me going!

What are some of the comments / suggestions that you have heard while TTC or dealing with infertility and/or loss?


Sweet Georgia said...

There are definitely a bunch of fertile asshats running around out there. Of course, they mean well, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to throw my shoe at them.

Dana said...

My own mother told me I should sleep with another man. (I THINK she was joking but strangely enough my husbands brother popped to mind being that the was expecting his 3rd child with a 3rd woman at the time...)

My husbands mother told me (after our adoption fell apart) "Maybe having kids just isnt for you. You should go back to school and become a lawyer." My thought process was "Ummm... Thanks for the confidence that I would be a good lawyer but seriously did you just say that to me?" Yeah she's a real gem.

AnGèLe said...

Ok, so I dont know how to phrase this but.. as a very lucky to be fertile woman.. I decided to become a surrogate...I had never realized the hardships and heartbreak that couples went through when having difficulty conceiving until I embarked on this journey!You are such strong women!!!! I have never given any «advice» on how to get pregnant.. I always thought it wasnt my place or wasnt even close to being proper to give advice like that to someone! I want to apologize on behalf of all those «fertile asshats» for their insensitive remarks! They truly need to be awakened and realize how very lucky they have been!!
Just so you know who I am ;)

Busted Kate said...

I hate that one "at least you don't have to spend money on kids"... like fertility treatment is free!!!

God I'm going to make Fertiles Voodoo dolls, for when these comments come out, so help me god..

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