Tuesday, February 9, 2010

IVF and the In-laws

My in-laws own a condo in Mexico where they spend the winter months. Let's face it - I love Canada but the prairie winters can be a little harsh at times!

Thanks to the miracle of the internet, we are able to easily stay in touch via e-mail and Skype. The other day was my mother in-law's birthday and we were video chatting with them. They asked if we were planning to visit them in Mexico this winter. Hubby took the advice from the fertility clinic's counsellor and dropped the IVF bomb.

They took it very well. I explained that the cost of IVF can be between $10,000 - $12,000 so we are saving our money for that and most likely will not be going to Mexico this year. All in all the talk went well, right up to the point where my Mother in-law said "I'm sure it would be cheaper to adopt".

Wow! Where did that come from? Adoption is great, but it's not for everyone. And it's not a simple process either. Plus, I have done some research and it's not free. I said to her "actually the adoption process is very similar in costs to IVF". She replied "well you don't have to adopt from a foreign country".

At this point I'm thinking that if you don't know anything about a topic, keep your mouth shut. Quite truthfully, adoption is expensive wether you do domestic or foreign. Which is a shame as there are so many children who need homes and adoption is cost-prohibitive for so many couples.

So I left the conversation before I said something that I couldn't take back. Adoption is not an alternative to IVF. While many couples may pursue both, many others will pursue neither. For us - I don't know where adoption fits.

Sigh, I wonder how the IVF conversation will go with my parents. I really hope that our IUI worked so we won't have to go there!


LT said...

I hate the "why don't you just adopt" comment. I hope your IUI worked so you don't have to go there too!

Malinda said...

wow that's a pretty hard statement to swallow... especially considering it was over skype... I'm sure it probably came from a place of love in that she thought it might somehow be easier to go that route.

I don't understand how people can be so frank about such things if they don't have any first hand experience with it. Infertility is one of the few things that unless you have experienced it you just can't really respect how painful it can be.

I'm not sure adoption is for us either and we'll probably not go the route of IVF if it came to that. For us it isn't financially feasible.

How many IUI's will you try before going with IVF? (if you don't mind me asking)

Sweet Georgia said...

Sorry for the assvice. You just have to remember that she means well.

Holly said...

I'm so sorry your MIL responded like that! Like others have said, I'm sure she meant well but it was still such an insensitive thing to say. some people just seem to have foot in mouth disorder.

Busted Kate said...



I feel your frustration. Seriously, my blood pressure went up reading this. Adoption is not this quick and easy solution! It's as complicated, messy, time-intensive, and expensive as any infertility treatment (and most likely more so). It's not this simple fix! Geez Louise.

I live like an hour from Mexico. If you want me to go down there and TP their condo, just say the word.

Pregnant Yuppy said...

LT - I hope the IUI worked too!

Malinda - I'm sure that it was said out of a place of love, which is why I left before I said something that I couldn't take back. I just wish that people would think before they speak!

Kate - I've had an incredibly shitty day today. Your comment made me laugh! I may take you up on that offer!

Thank you all for the support! It meant a lot to come home today to your comments!

zengirl said...

Hi Dear!

Sorry I've been absent from your blog for a while. I am thrilled to hear that you have a solid plan lined up for 2010 on the making-baby front. From all that I've heard, IVF is a difficult process physically, emotionally and financially. I hope your IUI works too and you wouldn't have to go down the path of IVF! So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I am appalled by your MIL's comment about adoption! It's terribly insensitive and offensive to draw such misinformed conclusions. I hope your husband takes the time to "educate" his mother a bit about sensitive issues like this.

I too don't really know where I stand with adoption. I hate it when my friends suggest adoption as if it was like picking out a pet at the pet store. It's not just some darn puppy looking for a home. For me it's a very complicating issue that has it's own unique challenges...

Womb For Improvement said...

Oh wow. That shows an enormous lack of tact / understanding/ thought. Hopefully they'll have time to digest the news and come back with something more sympathetic. (Or even better decide to keep their mouths shut on the subject!)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I found your blog while searching for IUI stats, as I am about to have my first one next month.

Anyways, the correct response would have been, "is there any way we could help financially"?!

Best of luck, I am anxiously awaiting your results!

The Quest For Baby Hang said...

I dislike when people just tell me to adopt...adoption is like 30grand...WAY WAY more than IVF. I am sorry she said that to you, keep your head up.

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