Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I think that I hit the lowest of lows this past week. Starting last Tuesday when my temperature started to fall, so did my mood. I was in a funk until my period arrived on Thursday, since then I've been in a depression.
Yes, it's upsetting when a cycle ends, and yes this was not my first busted cycle, so maybe it should be par for the course for me. And that is why it hit me so hard. I don't handle failure well and to fail 22 times in a row is so hard on the emotions.
Albert Einstein once defined "insanity" as: Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
That's what we did while TTC for 20 cycles - the same thing, planned intercourse around ovulation. So in December I started taking 100mg of Clomid on Cycle Days 3 - 7. We were out of town so we weren't able to plan for an IUI that cycle. That cycle ended in a BFN (Big Fat Negative).
Onto Cycle # 22. This time we were through messing around. The Clomid was back again this cycle, and this time we were going to do an IUI. We followed all instructions and it seemed that everything was perfectly timed. I kept charting during the 2WW (two week wait) and everything was going great. My body was definitely showing some early pregnancy signs - more than usual (tender breasts, constipation, congestion). Even Fertility Friend gave me an "early pregnancy signs" estimator score of 85! How could I not be pregnant when all the signs were there?
Well, I'm not. Still.
So here I am on cycle day 4 and quite frankly I don't give a shit about TTC anymore. I'm sick of living my life on a schedule. I'm sick of Hubby and I looking at the calendar each month to plan what days we'll have sex on. I'm sick of spending money on ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and sperm friendly lubricants. I'm sick of avoiding certain foods. I'm sick of it all!
I think before when we first put our names on the IVF list I was okay with it because I was positive that we would get pregnant without it. Now I'm positive that IVF may be our only hope. I wish that we could take more time to get used to the idea but let's face it, time is something that we don't have a lot of.
Don't worry - I'm not giving up - I'm just stepping back from TTC. I will not be charting this cycle. There's no point in adding that stress in my life. I'm also not going to see Dr. A my naturopath. I think he's great but my insurance will only cover $500 a year and I want to save up my coverage for later. We're not doing Clomid either because apparently, I have to be Clomid-free for 2 months prior to IVF.
We will still use OPKs and we are going to try another IUI. But otherwise that's it! I mean it!