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Friday, April 23, 2010

On Vacation


I know that I haven't been publishing too much lately, and that's going to get worse! As of tomorrow (April 24th) I'm going out of town for 10 days.

I'm sure that you're dreaming up some really awesome, exotic places in your mind right now. Time to push those thoughts outta there! This time I'm off to Ohio. Yup, you read that right, Ohio. I'm using up precious vacation days to go to the Buckeye state.

Why do you ask? Well that's where my niece and nephew (and brother and sister in law) live. My mother and I are going for a visit and to do some cross border shopping to take advantage of the high Canadian dollar.

I'll be back late in the day on May 2nd. The next morning is my 7 week ultrasound. So please check back on May 3rd and keep your fingers crossed that I'll have good news to share!


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Starting to Freak Out!

My first ultrasound is scheduled for May 3rd. Until then I know that I will be a mess! Already I'm starting to worry if I don't have any symptoms, then I worry that when they come back that something is wrong. Here's a run down for you:

  • My breasts are not overly sore - the last time I was pregnant they were noticeably sore before my period was even due. Now they are only tender when I touch them (which I'm doing more often to make sure that they are still tender).
  • Cramping - definitely a good sign as my uterus stretches and grows, also a bad sign if a miscarriage is imminent.
  • Low back pain. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. All I know is that I remember from my 2008 pregnancy journal that my back was really sore then too.
  • Nausea - not really. Occasionally I'll get a little "urp" but nothing that I would classify as true "morning sickness". This was a huge sign for me in my last pregnancy that something was wrong. My mother had horrible morning sickness through both pregnancies, and I get horrible motion sickness. I'm not looking forward to my head being in the toilet for another 8 months, but a little cookie tossing would really put my mind at ease right now.
The good news is that I used another digital test with a conception indicator the other day and the numbers have increased!



I leave on Saturday for a 9 day trip to Ohio to visit my brother and his family. I want to do some shopping while I'm there to take advantage of our high Canadian dollar. Do I risk buying maternity clothes? I'll save a ton of money by buying them in the US, but I'd hate to not need them.

Why can't I have a normal pregnancy???

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Test Progression

I used the last of my IC (internet cheapie) pregnancy tests today. I have been testing every day this week. As you know from this post, I'm paranoid about this pregnancy. If you've ever had a loss you'll understand.

Here's the last of the tests. I also added a test to the top of the page - it's the one that I took about 36 hours after my HCG trigger shot. I don't think they're getting much darker, but the line is showing up a lot faster.


One of my friends in real life who knows of this site, called me to congratulate me on my pregnancy the other day (hi CLD!), I think she was surprised by my lack of excitement. Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I have to protect myself in case something goes wrong. I wish that I was one of those women who had the perfect pregnancy and who could be giddy with excitement, but I'm not. I can't make plans for this baby beyond the next week or two.

We are in limbo right now. I experienced a really boring time at the mall yesterday. There's nothing that I can buy right now (except for shoes). I can't buy real clothes, I won't buy maternity clothes, and I certainly am not going to risk everything by buying baby clothes.

Sometimes I think that I'm the only pregnant woman out there who not only imagines what to do as the pregnancy progresses, but who also makes plans in case it doesn't.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

You Can Never Start Preparing for College Too Early

Let's face it, there's a lot to consider when thinking of your child's future. You want to make sure that as a parent you do everything that you can to prepare them for what they'll face when they go to college.

Here's a mom doing just that:


Her little girl will certainly be popular when she hits the college parties! Next lesson: How to make a bong out of a potato.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Paranoid

I know that I didn't feel this way during my last pregnancy but it's understandable why I feel this way for this pregnancy. The first pregnancy was all sunshine and roses at first. Sure I knew that there was a chance of a miscarriage - but those things happen to other people not me, right?


This time around I'm so cautious and paranoid. This is our last chance to be parents. This child is wanted and is loved and the thought of losing it is heartbreaking.

Since they haven't scheduled me for beta tests or an ultrasound yet I have to take matters into my own hands. I have tons of home pregnancy tests that I've never used, so I'm using them now. If that second line keeps getting darker then it stands to reason that my HCG levels are indeed rising.

When you're infertile you give up a lot of control. So now I'm taking it back! Behold my pee tests from this week! (and note the awesome chart that I made to keep them in order).

The fact that the line is getting darker is comforting. I know that I won't be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy until I see a heartbeat on an ultrasound, but for now, this helps.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Identity Crisis




While I'm thrilled beyond words to finally be living up to my blog's name, I'm having a sort of identity crisis right now. I started this blog in 2008 to record my thoughts during my first pregnancy. Well, we all know that didn't go well. Then I abandoned the blog for a long time (mostly because I forgot my login information), and when I started blogging again it was all about TTC and infertility.

I've really come to enjoy all of my followers and your comments and I look forward to reading each and every one of them. But I know that so many of you are also experiencing infertility and I know from my own experience, that you don't always want to read about someone else's pregnancy.

Plus, I'm also terrified that I will lose this baby as well. Can you blame me - up until now I'm oh for one for successful pregnancies.

I'm not sure if I will 100% accept this pregnancy as being real until I can either see the heartbeat on an ultrasound or hear it. Preferably both.

Until then I'm in blogger limbo. I hope that you will all stick around and see me through these times. I also hope that you will all be joining me in getting your long-awaited and much deserved BFP!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - Finally!



Monday, April 12, 2010

My Crappy Day

I had a really bad day today. First off I hardly slept last night. I still have my OHSS symptoms which make every waking moment very uncomfortable. Early in the afternoon I started to feel period cramps - which would make sense, she's due any day now. When I went to the washroom this evening there was a pink tinge to my CM. I knew it was over.

Let's face it. This was not your text book IVF treatment. Our fertilization and embryo reports were in the crapper. We didn't have any leftover embryos to freeze. I've got a mild case of OHSS which makes all clothes (including maternity clothes) incredibly uncomfortable. To borrow a phrase from Fertility Chick - I was feeling pretty stabby.

I told Hubby that I would probably call in sick tomorrow. I didn't think that I could stand to be around people after getting my period and/or testing BFN.

Thanks to gallons of Gatorade that I've been drinking I decided that I may as well test tonight. Why not cap off my crappy day with more bad news - right? Wrong! Look what I got!



I don't know if I actually believe it or not. I have to keep looking at it as it sits on the coffee table. Don't tell Hubby but I'm tempted to bring it to bed with me tonight!

My "official" test is on Friday.

We beat so many hurdles to get here, now we have to hope that this pregnancy sticks.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Why Didn't I Think of this Before?

I figured out why Hubby and I are having trouble with infertility. Apparently what I need to do to get pregnant is get divorced, get fired, and then get drunk.

See?




Friday, April 9, 2010

9DP3DT

Well folks, I'm the final stretch of my IVF 2ww. Today I am 9 days past transfer. I know that probably 80% of women in my situation would have already taken the plunge and tested by now - I am not one of them. My feeling on testing early, in any 2ww, is that as long as I haven't tested, there's still a chance that the outcome could be a BFP.


For once am not being plagued with IPS (imaginary pregnany symptoms) which could be a blessing or a bad omen. That's not to say that I haven't had a few "symptoms" but I've chalked them up to side effects from the Prometrium and Estradol.

However if you are one of those people who likes to obsess over symptoms here they are:
  • fatigue - I slept in today until 10:30!
  • bloating - which could still be from the IVF retrieval
  • the occasional twinge of nausea
  • skin break out - not on my face, but I have a few pimples on my back
And that's about it. My pregnancy test is scheduled for next Friday. We'll know then if one of my embryos has decided to stick around.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Distractions




Today is 6dp3dt (6 days past a 3 day transfer), or 9DPO (9 days past ovulation). I'm doing everything in my power to not think about TTC, IVF, the 2WW, my upcoming pregnancy test, what happens if it fails, what happens if it works, etc.

I've never been one of those women who spends my 2ww (2 week wait) testing every day. My theory is that if I don't test, there's still a chance that I could be pregnant. I'd love to test to get it over with and to put me out of my waiting misery, but wait if it's negative?

So I wait. And while I wait I look for things to distract me from my situation. Mostly it involves drinking lots of Gatorade to ward off any symptoms of OHSS, and playing online scrabble against Hubby.

Truth be told I've been pretty good throughout the day, but once I go to bed my mind just won't shut up about it! Fertility clinics should offer an option to patients that puts them in a coma post transfer for the duration of the 2ww. Imagine it, one minute you're in a room having your embryos transferred into your uterus and the next minute you're walking up and it's time for your pregnancy test! Fastest 2ww ever!

If you want to obsess for me here are my "symptoms":
  • pulling and stretching feeling in the abdomen (I can't call it cramps, but it sometimes feels tight)
  • fatigue (this can be a side effect of the Progesterone and Estradol that I'm taking though)
  • bloating - but I wouldn't read too much into this as there is always a risk of OHSS and that can be a symptom (hence the Gatorade)
  • I had a few "randy" dreams this weekend - maybe I'm missing my dates with Wandy.
And that's about it. Sorry, there isn't more to report. I will keep you posted.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

And Then There Were 3



I haven't been a very good blogger this week. The truth is that we didn't get a lot of good news so I retreated into a spiral of self pity.

Our egg retrieval was on Sunday. They were able to retrieve 24 eggs! I was elated. Before we left the clinic the embryologist said that 20 of them looked mature. She said that given that we had gotten pregnant on our own 2 years ago, she was confident that we wouldn't need to do ICSI.

A couple of hours later she called. Unfortunately Hubby's sperm sample had a much lower concentration than previous samples so she strongly urged us to consider ICSI. We agreed without hesitation. I figured that we would get a much higher fertilization rate this way.

The next day she called to say that of the 24 eggs originally retrieved, 19 were mature. Of the 19, 13 were fertilized. While I was hoping for a higher number I still figured that 13 was pretty good!

She called again on Tuesday. This was not good news. Of our 13 embryos 5 were falling apart and the remaining 8 were graded poor to medium. She was not confident that we would have any to freeze and she was pushing for a Day 3 transfer.

Then she called me back about an hour later. The RE's discussed my case and they were worried that I was at risk for OHSS due to my high estrogen levels pre-retrieval. If this is the case, they would cancel the transfer and all of this would have been for nothing. I can't even begin to describe how I was feeling at this point. It was a combination of despair, depression, anger, rage, and deflated.

We just spend $12,000, I went through daily injections, I was bloated and uncomfortable, we were told that IVF was our best shot and now it may be cancelled and we wouldn't even have any embryos to freeze. What a cruel, cruel joke this was. Mother Nature you can be a right bitch sometimes.

The RE's compromised and had me come in to the clinic at 7:30am on Wednesday morning for another date with Wandy. I spent all day Tuesday drinking Gatorade in hopes that it would help me with the bloating (it did). At the appointment the RE said that there was some fluid in my abdomen and there is a chance that I could develop OHSS, but given the state of my embryos, he suggested that we go ahead with the transfer and he even suggested that we transfer 3. Since they rarely transfer more than 1 at this clinic I knew that things were not good.

We went back to the clinic at noon for the transfer. We did transfer 3 embryos. The rest the embryologist will keep an eye on to see how they develop and if they improve they will freeze them.

So now we wait. I have a pregnancy test scheduled for April 17th.

At this point if none of our embryos stick then I may give up on TTC. It seems that our problem is that when our DNA gets together it doesn't go well. I want to get on with my life and stop worrying about TTC and the 2WW, etc. Maybe if we were 10 years younger I'd keep trying, but at this point I simply want to have a life again.

So please, if it's not too much to ask, keep your fingers crossed and the prayers coming. I appreciate them more than you know. I'm doing what I can do to encourage our embryos to grab hold of my uterus and stick around for another 38 weeks.

My Chart

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