Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Test Progression

I used the last of my IC (internet cheapie) pregnancy tests today. I have been testing every day this week. As you know from this post, I'm paranoid about this pregnancy. If you've ever had a loss you'll understand.

Here's the last of the tests. I also added a test to the top of the page - it's the one that I took about 36 hours after my HCG trigger shot. I don't think they're getting much darker, but the line is showing up a lot faster.

One of my friends in real life who knows of this site, called me to congratulate me on my pregnancy the other day (hi CLD!), I think she was surprised by my lack of excitement. Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I have to protect myself in case something goes wrong. I wish that I was one of those women who had the perfect pregnancy and who could be giddy with excitement, but I'm not. I can't make plans for this baby beyond the next week or two.

We are in limbo right now. I experienced a really boring time at the mall yesterday. There's nothing that I can buy right now (except for shoes). I can't buy real clothes, I won't buy maternity clothes, and I certainly am not going to risk everything by buying baby clothes.

Sometimes I think that I'm the only pregnant woman out there who not only imagines what to do as the pregnancy progresses, but who also makes plans in case it doesn't.


~kristin~ said...

You are most definitely not alone. We all do that in pregnancy after loss. I can't tell you how many plans I've made or not made in case something goes wrong at my next doctor's appointments. Unfortunately, it's normal to be this paranoid and fearful. :( I consciously try to force myself to do positive things/planning things for this pregnancy because I need to celebrate milestones. It helps remind me things are going Ok. It's not easy to do. But, you're tests look great and I am sending you good vibes! HUGS!

Michelle said...

I agree with Kristin. I have found myself making all sorts of plans for WHEN things go poorly. Now I am forcing myself to make plans for WHEN things go well. I have found I really have to make an effort to be positive about this.
When we told my parents my mom said, "you must be SO excited" and I said, "ummm not really". I am excited and I am happy but the past does not go away. But as the pass the worry slowly goes away and is replaced by excitment. I wish there was a switch to turn off the worry but I have not found one yet. Just like Kristin said, "celebrate the milestones" no matter how big or small you might think they are.

cara said...

your tests are looking really good :) i know its hard but remember you have a big community who are all behind you on here and on twitter ! xx

Anonymous said...

I don't think that you are alone in that thinking at all. After all the BFNs (not that BFNs are the same as a loss) I've had, I *know* that I will be thinking the same way. I am praying that you have a safe and healthy pregnancy <3

lastchanceivf said...

Although I can't relate personally (never had more than one second line ever in five IVFs) I can only imagine how it must feel so precarious for you now. I'm sorry for that--wishing you could just shout it from the rooftops and buy everything you want without worry. I am hoping that everything works out for you--and those are some beautiful tests you have there!

zengirl said...

I am so happy and excited to hear about your positive HPTs!, though I can completely understand your apprehension, having gone through a m/c myself.

I think it's completely natural for you to want to have some sort of self-preservation mode in place, but feeling happy and good about you and your baby is actually good for you & your hormones=good for baby! Worrying and stressing does not change or determine your future, nor does it really improve your ability to cope with things that can go wrong in your life. So worrying and holding back your joy is pointless! Instead, focus on the positive because you have every right to celebrate "today", and each present moment in your life that you are blessed with this baby. Enjoy the experience and celebrate the little milestones! (please remember to give me this speech if I ever find myself in your position one day ;-)

This may finally be your turn to have a beautiful baby! So I'm sending you a tonne of sticky vibes your way and praying that you'll have a bundle of joy in your arms in 9 months!!!! XOXO, Zengirl

Jay said...

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