Sunday, May 30, 2010

11 Weeks

Today marks the 11th week of my pregnancy. I hate to be a "Debbie Downer" but I don't know if I ever believed that we would make it this far. I think I'm still trying to protect myself by expecting the worst.

Truth be told, nothing about this pregnancy is the same as my previous pregnancy. I remember 2 years ago having awful, awful cramps in the evening which we attributed to my uterus growing and expanding. Now I wonder if it was a sign of bad things to come? Last time I really didn't have any "symptoms" except for tender breasts.

This time around my symptoms are so much different. My breasts are not sore (although occasionally will tingle to let me know that they are there). The first physical symptom that I had was a noticeable increase in visible veins on my chest! I'm very fair skinned and now it looks like I have a roadmap on my breasts!

I'm also nauseous - however I've found that if I pretty much eat constantly that goes away. Thankfully nothing has come of the nausea. The Morning Chickness Bags that I bought (I bought 40 of them) will be re-gifted to someone in the future.

I'm definitely more tired that usual. On the weekends I can easily sleep for 10 hours (although I do need to get up at least once to pee during that time). I've got to be honest, getting up for work has not been pleasant! By the time I get to the office, I'm ready for another nap!

By far the biggest change in me though is my bathroom habits (WARNING: Do not read on if you don't like to hear about bathroom habits.) I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it's not unusual for me to go a couple of days without a bowel movement. Well, now it's unusual if I have fewer than 3 or 4 a day! I don't know how one body can produce so much poo! (I wonder if I will have a similar comment when I'm changing diapers?) It's no wonder I've lost 5 lbs.

And yes, you've read that right. Even though I pretty much eat every couple of hours, I've lost 5 lbs. And even though I've lost 5 lbs, none of my pants fit! I'm this close to becoming that woman who goes to the grocery store in her flannel pajama pants! This close I tell you.

Important dates this week: On June 2nd I get to meet my new Dr. Please keep your fingers crossed that I like her. I really don't want to go back to my regular GPs office with my tail between my legs.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

This Pregnancy is not Facebook Friendly

Other than telling our parents and a couple of people, we haven't told anyone about our pregnancy. Keeping it a secret has been a killer for my mother in law. She's dying to tell everyone. She called the other night to see how I am doing and I made a comment that we *might* tell people in another 5 or 6 weeks. Just for laughs, I might delay the announcement to see how she reacts!

So why have we been selective in who we tell? Because I don't want a scene like this to play out on Facebook:

Funny Facebook Fails
see more

I've already made the decision that when we do decide to tell people, there will not be a Facebook announcement. I dreaded those when I was TTC and, in fact, blocked a lot of my friends' updates because of it.

Ah, how times have changed!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

9 Weeks, 6 Days

Today marks a milestone of my pregnancy. It was on this exact day of my last pregnancy that I had my miscarriage. To get past this day with a baby in my uterus is a victory of sorts for me.

The 9th week of my last pregnancy is burned into my mind forever. On Sunday I went to IKEA with my parents who were in town. That night I was spotting a bit of brown blood. I assumed that I had overdone it a bit and decided to take things easier. On Monday I was still spotting and was starting to get worried. On Tuesday I called my Drs office and was assured that as long as the spotting was brown, things were fine.

Thursday morning I awoke to lots of bright red blood. It was as if my period had started. I waited for Hubby to get up and we went to the ER. In the hospital they confirmed that my baby had died and had no heartbeat. They gave me some percocets, but didn't really prepare me for what was yet to come. It was snowing that day, we missed all of the snow 'cause we were in the hospital for about 6 hours and by the time we left it was sunny again and the snow was already melting.

On Friday, only 3 hours before my appointment with the pregnancy loss clinic, I had my miscarriage at home. I was so unprepared! On t.v. and in the movies they don't really show that you will go through a full labour before emptying your uterus. I took all 6 percocets that morning and they did nothing, absolutely nothing, to numb the pain.

By noon, it was all over. I was no longer pregnant. I would continue to bleed for about another 5 days. I walked around in a sort of stupor that next week. While my mind and my memories of the week prior to the miscarriage are clear, they are completely foggy for the following week.

So here I am, over 2 years later, at 9w6d again. This time there has been no spotting (although I'm sure that the progesterone supplements that I'm on are helping with that) and I feel completely different this time around.

You could day that I feel cautiously optimistic right now. I'm not prepared to let down my guard and completely relax, not yet. Hopefully soon.

If nothing else, I will know that by noon today, this will be my longest pregnancy ever (so far). And of course with this pregnancy I have already seen my baby and I have confirmation of a heartbeat. Nothing with this pregnancy has been the same as my previous one and, especially in this case, change is good.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My 2 Cents

I need to talk about John Travolta and Kelly Preston and all of the speculation around whether or not she's pregnant.

The following statement was released by the 2 married actors:

"It's impossible to keep a secret ... especially one as wonderful as this. We want to be the first to share this great news with everyone that we are expecting a new addition to our family."

Am I the only one who doesn't read this to mean that she's pregnant? I know that at 47 it's not impossible for her to get pregnant, it's just not likely. I know that in this day and age, and with their high income levels, that they could easily have looked into ART (assisted reproductivetechnologies). But the wording of their announcement makes me suspect.

If she's pregnant why not simply say "Kelly's pregnant!" Their statement is so vague I don't know if she's pregnant, if they're adopting, if they hired a surrogate, or if they're getting a new dog!

If I'm wrong (and I've been wrong before - once or twice) I really hope that she is open and honest about any fertility treatments that they received. And at 47 - odds are that they would need some help.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy for them and their "new addition", I totally am. Heck, I'm stocked for anyone when they get a kitten. I'm simply confused about their announcement.

What are your thoughts?

Lacking Motivation

It seems so strange to actually have nothing to write about. This is so different from when I was TTC. It seems that then I always had something to say!

I'm in between doctor's appointments, my next ultrasound isn't for another 3 weeks, and I don't have a lot of symptoms to report.

I wish that I could say that I've relaxed some, but that wouldn't be entirely true. Any day where I am without symptoms has me worrying again. I guess it's good practice for when we do finally become parents.

My biggest symptom so far has definitely been bloating. By the end of the day I'm so uncomfortable. I'm amazed that no one at work has noticed (or if they have, no one has said anything). I'm getting really good at hiding my belly by always trying to carry something in front of it (a pad of paper, my purse, etc). I do want a baby bump, but it's a little early! Most of my work clothes don't fit and I refuse to buy anything new to wear until after my 12 week scan.

I'm also really tired. Once the fatigue hits, it hits hard! Thankfully our weather has been really topsy turvy lately and a lot of people at work are having trouble sleeping, so no one thinks twice when I casually mention (okay - complain) how tired I am.

Worst of all - I'm so unmotivated at work. Shh! Promise you won't tell! About 2 years ago I realized that it was time to look for something else. But we were in the middle of a boom and, quite frankly, I was making a lot of money. Then the recession hit and jobs are scarce - so while I was passively looking nothing came of it. Well, now I know that I will not be working anymore by the end of the year. It's hard to stay motivated all of the time. I don't want you to think that I'm a slacker - however I'm not going above and beyond at the moment.

Unfortunately all of this also translates into my lack of blog posts. By the time I get home I'm pretty exhausted and will often have a nap. Many nights I don't even turn on the computer. I'm told that my energy level will increase again in a few more weeks. So if you can hang in there, and bear with me for a while, I'm hopeful that I will be posting more often soon.

Thanks to all of you who have sent me e-mails and DM'd me on Twitter. I really appreciate all your stories and encouragement.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - Mmm, Cake!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Prayers for Brandi

One of my internet friends, Brandi, lost her baby this weekend. She was 20 weeks pregnant and was diagnosed with in incompetent cervix and basically her baby "fell out" of her uterus.

As horrible as this is - it's actually worse. 3 years ago Brandi was pregnant and the baby was diagnosed as being conjoined twins. Unfortunately they shared a heart and she lost them at around 18 weeks.

There is no reason for any one family to experience so much pain and loss. Brandi is still in the hospital as she is now suffering side effects from all of the medication that she was on.

If you are the praying type, please include a word for Brandi and her angels in your prayers tonight. I know that she will appreciate it.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Can Someone Please Explain Why I'm Infertile?

I'm infertile. I've come to terms with that. I've also had to come to the realization that diseases, like personalities, aren't necessarily handed out equally. I grew up with friends who are identical twins - their DNA is the same - yet one developed Type 1 diabetes and the other didn't. Explain that.

And if you can explain that, can you also explain why I can't conceive on my own (and the 1 time I did it ended in miscarriage), while drug addicts, and child abusers seem to have no trouble in the procreation department?

I know that you can't - no one can. So instead, tell me if it's wrong to find some sort of amusement from this?

Hang onto this photo as evidence at your emancipation hearing kid. You'll need it! I'm sure that you'll have lots more to show the judge.

God Bless the Internet!

Friday, May 14, 2010


I know that I've said this before, and I'm sure that I will say it many more times, but I wish that I could be one of those women who can enjoy their pregnancy and not worry all the time.

Knowing that there was a heartbeat at 7 weeks was a huge relief for us, but now the anxieties are coming back. If I have a day where I feel great, I start to worry that my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared and the baby has died. If a new symptom appears I worry that something is wrong. Is it strange that I prefer to feel like crap than to feel good?

My fears have even invaded my dreams. Last night I dreamed about tornadoes. In my dream I wasn't afraid of the tornadoes (in fact I was recording them on my iPhone), but I don't think that any dream filled with black clouds and tornadoes is a good thing. I'm pretty sure that it means that my emotions are in turmoil.

Yesterday I was seriously considering getting a fetal heart doppler. Hubby doesn't think it's a good idea. His opinion is that if I can't find a heartbeat then I will freak out even more - even though it can be hard to find a heartbeat. He's probably right.

Earlier today I was even thinking that getting into a minor car accident might be a good thing so I could get another ultrasound! (Don't worry - I'm not crazy and I won't do anything that stupid!)

Is there anything that I can do to make the next 3 weeks go by faster?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - Bionic Fatigue!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day For the Infertile

I have such mixed emotions about Mother's Day. On one hand, it's a made up holiday by the greeting card companies to sell more cards. On the other hand, it's always good to thank our mother for putting up with us. But Mother's Day for the Infertile is just a cruel reminder of what you don't have (yet).

For many years I secretly hoped that Hubby would get me a card from the cats. He never did. Today I thought how nice it would be if he got me a card or flowers or something to celebrate our pregnancy - he didn't. I'm not surprised, but he doesn't know how many brownie points he's missing out on!

We love going out for breakfast on the weekends. We always skip it on Mother's Day and Father's Day. It's just too busy. One of the things that we love about going out for breakfast is the quiet relaxed pace of the meal. Today I feel like I'm held hostage in my own home!

So knowing that my feelings for this day are rather ambivalent you're probably wondering why I'm even bothering to post. If you truly know me you know that I would much rather be posting about the 50th anniversary of the Pill. But I now that so many of my readers are struggling with infertility and that Mother's Day can be a very cruel reminder of what you don't have.

So I say, take back this day! Rejoice in what you have! Take some time, go to the mall and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it! Open a bottle of expensive wine and drink it without prejudice! See a pair of sexy shoes that you love but don't have anywhere to wear them? Buy them - even if it's just to stare at them in your closet.

Mother's Day is now your day! Go on, say it with me: "Today is MY day!!" Sleep in, eat chocolate, and do whatever you want. You may not get any cards or flowers, but you can have a great day!

Happy YOU Day!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Oh My Aching Back!

As if the exhaustion and nausea aren't enough, now my lower back is killing me! I suspect this new "symptom" is directly related to the fact that I haven't been as active as I normally am.

The only comfortable position when trying to sleep last night was on my stomach, but then my arms would fall asleep. It hurt to stay still and it hurt to move.

As much as I didn't want to, I had to take some Tylenol this morning. Now I'm just waiting for it to kick in. I'm going to see if I can get in for a massage sometime this weekend as well.

I guess this is Mother Nature's way of preparing me for what's ahead.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

7 Week Ultrasound

Monday was a whirlwind of a day for us. I didn't get home from Ohio until late on Sunday night, I hardly slept at all that night (most likely due to nerves). In the morning Hubby and I had our u.s appointment, then we had to rush back to the airport to drop off my Mom who was still in town.

Truth be told, between all the rushing around on Monday, and work Tues - Thurs, and constant exhaustion, I haven't had the energy to update my blog. I'm so sorry! Forgive me this transgression!

I'm sure you aren't here to read about my trip to Ohio (I'll update another time on that) or to hear about my lost luggage or anything. I know you're really just here to find out about my ultrasound. And that's why I love you all!

Here goes. I told the technician that I was terrified as I'd had a miscarriage 2 years ago. She first did an abdominal scan and said that my ovaries were still really swollen from the OHSS and that they may get in the way of our dear friend Wandy. She also said that it could take months for the swelling to go down (which explains why my belly is already so big!).

Wandy makes his appearance. I couldn't really see much on the monitor and my heart rate jumped with anxiety. I knew that this was the end. But wait! She confirmed there is a sac in there. And, it has a heartbeat!! (imagine me letting go of 7 weeks of nerves in a single breath). The baby is measuring exactly 7 weeks so we're right on track.

To recap: 1 baby, 1 heart beat, 2 relieved parents to be!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - I think I'll buy this - oh wait, I can't afford it!

My Chart

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