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Friday, May 14, 2010

Scared


I know that I've said this before, and I'm sure that I will say it many more times, but I wish that I could be one of those women who can enjoy their pregnancy and not worry all the time.

Knowing that there was a heartbeat at 7 weeks was a huge relief for us, but now the anxieties are coming back. If I have a day where I feel great, I start to worry that my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared and the baby has died. If a new symptom appears I worry that something is wrong. Is it strange that I prefer to feel like crap than to feel good?

My fears have even invaded my dreams. Last night I dreamed about tornadoes. In my dream I wasn't afraid of the tornadoes (in fact I was recording them on my iPhone), but I don't think that any dream filled with black clouds and tornadoes is a good thing. I'm pretty sure that it means that my emotions are in turmoil.

Yesterday I was seriously considering getting a fetal heart doppler. Hubby doesn't think it's a good idea. His opinion is that if I can't find a heartbeat then I will freak out even more - even though it can be hard to find a heartbeat. He's probably right.

Earlier today I was even thinking that getting into a minor car accident might be a good thing so I could get another ultrasound! (Don't worry - I'm not crazy and I won't do anything that stupid!)

Is there anything that I can do to make the next 3 weeks go by faster?


8 comments:

Jin said...

I was like that between my 8w and 13.5w ultrasound. I had gotten used to the weekly ultrasounds from the REs that I totally convinced myself all all sorts of crazy things in those 5 weeks. I didn't get over it until I saw that everyhing is ok on Wednesday. I think now I can actually start to enjoy more and worry a tiny bit less now. Hang in there!

Alex said...

I think I will be the same way. The morning sickness has started, which sucks, but it gives me great comfort to know things are working! I don't know about a Doppler, not sure if it would be good or bad...

Try to stay busy! That's all I know what to do, but it doesn't work sometimes, does it??? :)

phyjess said...

Just hang in there, it will get better (even if it takes 9 months!). Just know that you're not alone (I'm 5 weeks, symptom-less, and freakin). I like to think that when you're worrying the most, try to be grateful that you have something to be worried for. Barely helps ease the worry, but gives me a warm fuzzy.

Malinda said...

stay strong. thinking about you :-)

good call on husband's part for not letting you get a doppler... you don't need to drive yourself crazy.. maybe treat yourself to some acupuncture?

how was the cross boarder shopping?

tulgey-wood said...

*Hugs* tis pregnancy for those who have known loss and infertility. I keep thinking to myself "man, this pregnancy is not nearly as fun as the few weeks i had with the last one." Sounds awful, but it's true. My hubby didn't let me get a doppler either... and i think i'm grateful for that. I can't imagine my worry if i couldn't find the heartbeat.
Hang in there! It does get better. You eventually start to think, "hey, i might actually get out of this with a baby!"

~Alicenwonderland

Waiting Lisa said...

Adam and I were just talking last night about how even if we got matched with an expectant mother, we would still freak out until we were actually bringing our baby home. So many things can go wrong and this process has damaged us.

Michelle said...

I agree with your hubby. It took a LONG time and a lot of strength to not get the doppler before 16 weeks (Penny had one she wanted to lend me). I have now gotten it and I KNOW I would have driven myself crazy if I couldn't find the heart beat before. I think I am staying sane (sometimes I find it sometimes not) because I have gotten past some major milestones and can reassure myself that this is one active baby. Hang in there. Honestly get through one day at a time and before you know it all 3 weeks will be gone and you will be at your ultrasound.

Busted Kate said...

Dude, I swear I did not read your post before I posted today! Geez Louise, I spent last night looking at at-home doppers too. We're really on the same page (worrying all the time). Gah, when it will ever stop??

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